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good to know
everyday ramblings

getting through

Everyone handles the struggles, pain, anguish, etc. differently in their lives. Lately I´ve been thinking a lot about this because I noticed that I know my ways perfectly and that they come out and ”help” more quickly than before…

I eat.
Emotional eater, oh yes..sometimes it can go the other way around and I don´t want to eat, it feels to forceful for my body to handle when it´s exhausted of whatever that brings me down.

I clean.
I start to clean and it feels like I´m cleaning myself from the inside and putting everything back in place.  Or I just go into a zen state and get stuck with cleaning something really complicated while not feeling or thinking anything at all.

I walk.
I ´ll walk for hours contemplating everything and going trough all the emotional states from quietly sobbing for myself, to rationalization, to not giving a fuck. It´s through my walking that I let my feelings come out from the depths to the surface, so that I can examine them.

I fuck.
I fuck like no one fucked before. I´ll fuck away the pain and fuck out any other state of mind there is, making me every inclined to the submissive and dominating angles of fucking.

I dance.
I dance and let the music stop me from thinking and feeling by absorbing me and enveloping me in it´s rhythms and base, making me free to only move and move on.

I listen.
I´ll listen to one particular song that feels like it hits the stop, over and over again. In the end that song starts to represent whatever event or emotion so that when the song is over so are the feelings that I enlisted that song. Leaving me with a strange playlist, haha.

I write.
The writing comes out of some specific feelings that gets scribbled down to just get them off my chest and mind. I also write to examine myself and put myself in order which does not really help but makes a lot of interesting notes to go back to and read.

In the end I never do anything to harmful, eating and fucking being the most on the edge for my well being. Even if I recently started drinking I don´t want to start a bad habit because my father was an alcoholic and I´ve seen the bad side, and I´m not particularly drawn to it.
In the end you gotta keep yourself sane and safe because when the pain, anguish or whatever that is haunting you, has gone. ..Then you only have yourself and everything else is just passing by.

love / aki

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aki

.has learned to be a lover and a loner because i can´t stand anything else but the depths of a person.

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